It ain’t always easy being me and I’m sure it’s not always easy being you. It simply isn’t always an easy task to be human.

As I look at my life right where I am, this minute, this now, I’m doing okay. I’m trusting the process and allowing what will be to simply be. 

The future looks fuzzy, but I feel it always does, especially if we are allowing the unfolding of our experiences to occur without too much clutching for control. Still, it looks bright, it feels light (most of the time) and I’m looking forward to experiencing a range of healthy relationships in the next stage that is to be my life. I have this sense of what the future will bring, and I’m trusting it. Yet it doesn’t mean it comes easy. It doesn’t mean that it always feels good, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I’m not experiencing moments of doubt.

Where it gets a little dysfunctional is where the conflict that comes with being a breaker comes into play. A breaker of cycles. A breaker of patterns. A breaker who at first disrupts the connection of unhealthy patterns until finally, one day, cutting the connection, tying it with a tourniquet of love and allowing all involved to choose what’s right for them.

These connection breaks come through around self-worth and the experience of healthy relationships for me, born from a world of domestic violence and unhealthy relational experiences, where slowly but surely, piece by piece, disrupting, cutting, and reshaping takes place.

As a disrupter of cycles, a breaker of patterns, growth is inevitable yet so too is the pain that comes with it. And believe me when I say there is pain. When it comes to being a breaker, we are also genuinely concerned with the impact we have on others, so breaking, even if it’s easy to break away, doesn’t come lightly to us and nor does it come with ease to the body, heart, mind or soul. For me, I know the pain, the familiarity of the hurt, and I consciously choose to ease that in and for others, so the decision to make a break, to break a pattern, is a long, thoughtful and heartfelt process. 

Interestingly, and only after some 48 years, I’ve grown enough to finally embody self-worth to such a degree that I see myself as I am through my own eyes. I can honestly say that I see ME without the influence of others, without the projections of others, without the veil of illusion cast upon my sight from all the looks, all the words, all the behaviours that tore at my heartstrings, played with my head and distorted my sense of self and worth.

Even with such substantial growth and development, there is still an infliction of pain that comes from the deconstruction of unhealthy behaviours and patterns, and this infliction arises when you are left with lesser variations of unhealthy patterns of behaviour. This is surely a contradiction. It feels like a contradiction. A contradiction to ending the cycle and yet, it’s not quite a clear cut thanks to these lesser variations being present.

CONTRADICTIONS MAKE IT HARD! But here’s what I know. It’s hard to process and reconcile your experience of self, your experience of those around you, and the experience of the environment and universe you are in, particularly when they appear as complete contradictions. In rejecting behaviours, beliefs and attitudes that are unhealthy in the context of engaging in healthy relationships with self and others, these variables to which we are still exposed, pose a juxtaposition. The juxtaposition of ending one cycle or breaking one pattern only to be experiencing a variation of the unhealthy treatment on a smaller scale. While I’m writing, I hear the words, “while the cosmos lines up to genuinely close the door on that chapter”, but we’ll come back to those.

The juxtaposition: Ending cycles yet at the same time they don’t appear ended.

With the variables, for example, ending a cycle of mistreatment yet other levels of mistreatment presented, how then can one say that the cycle, the pattern, has been broken? My quandary exactly! I could just do the complete slice and dice, dissect and correct, break and sever type ending. That should put an end to the juxtaposition, to the contradiction of it all. Yet that would mean ignoring the guidance and if I ignore the guidance, well, that would mean that I’m vying for control of the situation and my experience rather than trusting the process and allowing what will be to be. Gah! The tooing and froing between the polar states of trust and control, allowance and control, intuition and control. 

So what’s really happening here? Well, the universe said it already. The contradiction, the juxtaposition, occurs “while the cosmos lines up to genuinely close the door on that chapter”. 

In other words, everything and everyone is moving through that energetic process of alignment that allows for the smoothest transition from one stage ending to another stage beginning, and the truth is, the universe doesn’t work on OUR time, it works within its own time and space and we have to let go of our need to ‘control’.

It ain’t easy though! Just because you ‘know’, doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. What it does mean though, is that when you are in a genuine space of self-worth it can become easier to trust the process, easier to move through the thoughts, through the emotions, through the ebbs and flows of your experience with life and others. You will also find that you become objective in your perspective rather than subjective. This means you move through the emotions still, yet you are not caught up in the emotion. It means you move through the thoughts still, yet you are not caught up in the thought. Objectivity versus subjectivity. One is personal while the other is not. So when you find yourself operating from a space of subjectivity, do your best to try and shift to an objective perspective; objective in doing what’s right for you and those around you.

I hope that you found some benefit in moving through this reflection. Should you need any help trusting and or processing your life experiences, please email me at team@gemmarosegreen.com.au